Things I Wish I Had Been Told About Post-Pregnancy Life

Motherhood.

Ah, that time of joy with baby snuggles, sniffing that magical aroma that only freshly-hatched tiny humans emit, looking into those foggy blueish eyes and signing over your soul. Don't forget those first smiles that medical experts say are gas-related, but you know deep inside this new crotchfruit is gifting you with the gummy grins because you are its mother and it knows how awesome you are. This is merely confirmation.

Then come the sleepless nights, but that's okay. Those are tolerable because it gives you even more time with the precious bundle.

These are the happenings of motherhood that are the most covered. I'm going to talk about the motherhood taboos. I'm not sure if I should put a disclaimer here, tell you to just stop now, pop you some popcorn, or just apologize in advance. You know that little voice that whispers in your ear, "You realllllly shouldn't say that," well... I totally just gave it the finger because these are the things I wish I had been told about motherhood. And this post will pretty much reveal just how classy I really am. Look out, Junior League, here I come.

So get your prepared face on. It should look something like this.

via GIPHY

The 6 Weeks after Giving Birth

Back in 2000 when I was pregnant with my first, I read every pregnancy book I could find, tried to memorize the little preggo book the OB gave me, signed up for LaMaze classes, wrote pages of questions for my OB to answer each appointment, and watched every stinking episode of A Baby Story I could. I knew you were going to "have a period" after the birth, so I thought, "Well, that makes sense since everything has been on hiatus for the last 40 weeks."

What I wasn't prepared for: THE GIANT MATTRESS-SIZED PADS the hospital gives you.

Ho-lee schnikes! I could take a nap on these things! These would make great travel pillows! Just peel the back off and stick it to your headrest and you're gold!

I just passed a person through one of the smallest orifices of my body, and now I've got a Serta stuck between my legs. How in the HECK am I supposed to walk or sit? And God help you if these things turn to the side while you're wearing them. The adhesive is duct tape. Imagine duct tape stuck to your cheeks and crack while you're evacuating uterine remnants like a faucet. FUN STUFF!

My advice: Bring your own pads. Bring a lot of them.

This is not "a period" you're having. This is a full-blown uterus renovation. Your uterus is like house on Extreme Makeover - Home Edition. Walls are being knocked out, windows are being replaced, and the carpet is being ripped up. It's a whole overhaul. The last tenant is gone and the landlord is getting rid of everything that belonged to them. It's going to be a brand-new place in about 6 weeks. Oh, and the landlord says the owner of the Sausage Wagon can't park there until it's all finished up. Totally not fair. All I have to say about that is I can't count to 6 when it comes to weeks.  *coughs* Ok, moving on.


Using the Bathroom after Birth

Episiotomies. Not everyone has to have one and that is a blessing. It doesn't make you one of the cool crowd to have two holes magically morph via scalpel to one. It's too bad you can't grow a zipper there during puberty. I mean, all hell is breaking loose hormonally speaking, why can't you have a zipper there? That's just good planning. Geez, body, can't you just be prepared?

Ok...so maybe it's not wise to use the Boy Scout Motto when you're talking about va-jay-jays. Pretend that didn't happen.

What I wasn't prepared for:  That first post-partum poop after an episiotomy.

While I'm no anatomical expert, I do know what human innards look like and their placement in the body, but that didn't stop me from freaking out when I had to go to the bathroom a couple of days after birth. I just knew that I was going to blow out my stitches and all of my organs were going to fall out into the toilet and what an embarrassing call that was going to be.

"Hello, 9-1-1? Yes, I need help. I had a baby a few days ago and I just ripped out my episiotomy while pooping. Now all of my internal organs are floating in the toilet. Can you send some help?"

So I didn't force this poop to happen. It's not like I didn't try. I had the urge, but when I could feel stuff twinging in the should-be zipper area, that mission was aborted. I'm actually ashamed to admit how long I let this not going go on.

**pleasant flight attendant voice** 
This is the part of this blog post where you are requested to use the writer's personal experience to feel better about yourself. Thank you and enjoy the rest of this post. 

Y'all. I did not poop for 2 weeks. 2 WEEKS. I was literally full of crap and couldn't stand up straight. This is something that I really do not recommend for various reasons. Pain and danger of another hospital trip are just a couple of those reasons. Thankfully J's grandma was an RN, so she handed me an enema while staring at me dumbfounded. I had never used an enema and was so desperate that I didn't heat it up, so I was shooting icy salt water up my bum trying to get this situation resolved. That just added to the fun.

My advice: Talk to your doctor about stool softeners.
Extra advice: Always heat up your enema before using.

And, if you were curious, nary an internal organ fell into the toilet at the end of this adventure.


Breastfeeding

I really wanted to breastfeed my first baby. I truly did. He wasn't exactly the most cooperative fella, so it didn't last very long, just a few weeks. I did better with the other two, 9 months with formula supplementing with one, and 14 months exclusively boob fed with the last.

What I wasn't prepared for: How it feels when your milk comes in.

You hear people talk about their milk coming in a few days after birth and that seems all nice and magical. Ohhhh! The boobs! They're feeding the baby colostrum and then a Jesus-esque miracle happens - colostrum becomes milk! That does happen, buuuuuuuuuuut they left out the part that your nipples burn when you have a letdown. I had no clue what to expect. I was taken aback when some invisible blow torch showed up to char my tata tips when my baby cried after the milk came in.

WHAT the WHAT?! How can this be good?? Are there blisters? How am I supposed to stand suction on these lava points on my ginormous bewbs?? WHAT IS GOING ONNNNNNNNN.... waaaaaaaaaah!

For some people these symptoms lighten up or go away, but for me they didn't. I just powered through enjoying the snuggle time with my baby and imagined that I could go have my nipples pierced 4 times each without batting an eye after this.

What I wasn't prepared for: Your boobs have a mind of their own.

You'll be walking along minding your own business when a baby cries across the store and suddenly your chest turns into a superhero. Hark! A baby is in need!! FEED ALL THE BABIES!! Twin shower heads of milk start spraying full force inside your shirt and in seconds you're soaked. You can actually see this happen. Shirts soak faster than towels in a Bounty commercial. Yes, you wore nursing pads, you're not a complete buffoon, but boob power is unstoppable sometimes. So you sigh and carry on with your day. When you're heading back out to your car, a small breeze lifts your hair and brushes across the wet spots on your shirt. Aaaaaaaaand the boobs are saving the day again.

While I do miss nursing, I don't miss the AI knowledge milky bosoms have. You can only take so many shirts with you when you're going for groceries.

My advice: Take extra shirts with you. Wear cardigans or overshirts. Cardigans hide milk spots very well and if you're like me, you can pretend to be fashionable.



Incontinence 

This is always fun to admit too. Heh. What am I talking about? This whole post has been just chock full of TMI and grossocity, what's a little pee added to it.

Again, this doesn't happen to everyone. I'm fairly certain my firstborn used my bladder as a chaise lounge while in utero. This caused my entire pregnancy to be full of UTIs because I couldn't fully empty my bladder for months. I'm not a doctor, but I do feel like this had something to do with my pee-pee problem.

What I wasn't prepared for: Peeing my pants at weird moments.

I'm not talking a torrent of tinkle, just dribbles. Like when you sneeze or have a good laugh or jump on a trampoline. This has caused me to rethink my pant choices. Khakis can show an accident, but jeans are much more merciful. Yoga pants and leggings are definitely great, kinda thin, but eh, worth it for the comfort factor. Heaven help you if you wear a dress because if you REALLY laugh or cough you might actually have a drip run down your leg and how can you explain that?

"Um... what is THAT?!" *points to drip running down your leg*

"Oh, THAT... Um... it's ... sweat."

"Sweat?!" *horrified face*

"Yeah, it's sweat. Because it certainly ISN'T pee!" *laughs nervously, pees again* "Dammit."

I've tried various exercises, kegals included, but I haven't noticed a change. Thank goodness I do yoga every now and then. It totally helps when I have to french braid my legs together when I'm having a good belly laugh.

My advice: Pantyliners. Find some sort of exercises to help. Talk to your doctor. Don't wear khakis when you're going to see a funny movie or hang with your BFF.

Annnnnnnnd the last thing I wish I'd been told about...

Seriously, you're still here? This post is 47 miles long and all about TMI. You are my favorite human being. Well, one of them.


Changes To Your Lady Parts

I hemmed and hawed and fiddled back and forth wondering if I should really put this one in here, but it wouldn't be actually true if I didn't.
Plus, it kind of counteracts all the other TMI above since it's the TMI-iest.

*deep breath* Ok, so here we go!

I have had 3, not small infants evacuate my personal premises through the lady garden. Two of them had help (episiotomies) and one just burst through it like the Kool-Aid Man on crack. Kool-Aid Man was the largest and the easiest. No cuts and just a little bit of tearing, but it didn't require stitches, thankallthethankablethings!!

What I wasn't prepared for: Crazy random swelling in places swelling does not need to appear.

This would have been good info to have after #2 when I was crying in the hospital bathroom because it now looked like my vagina had its own penis. Thankfully the nurses had pity on me and gave me an ice pack to put in my panties to help with swelling. And yes, the swelling did abate and I was left penisless except for the ones belonging to the now 3 males in my house. Also, ice in your panties is not as much fun as Fifty Shades of Grey likes to make it sound.

Something else I wasn't prepared for: Things didn't go all the way back to normal on the inside.

They did right themselves for the most part, but the hooha of my youth was no more. Seriously, what did I expect after 3 bowling ball heads came through there? When the OB announced the weight of #3, I just knew everything down there was shot. A 5'5" woman just gave birth to a 10 lbs. 11 ozs. toddler-infant. This was not going to be good. I started worrying about things.

Will I still be able to yell without an echo escaping my pants?

Do I even need to carry a tote bag or can I just stuff everything inside and be purse-free?

I'm guessing stools are out because it'll just disappear when I sit.

Will I need some sort of sticks to hold things open when we it's bow-chicka-wow-wow time?

Oh! Will he even WANT to see me naked again??

The worried, hormonal, postpartum brain thinks all sorts of things. Of course, these worries were all for naught. I am not ruined and I am not as I was before, but you know what. That is okay. My body grew and birthed 3 gorgeous, strong, healthy babies. A few physical changes don't have anything on that.

My advice: Love yourself as you are.

Your body may have permanent changes after pregnancy and you know what, that is okay! If they're serious changes, talk to your doctor and work out a plan to get it all sorted out. Life is about changes. We age, our bodies change. We have babies, our bodies change. It's all seasonal. This is just a season. You are a beautiful being.

I hope you learned something today. They always say, "Share your experience!" Well, consider it shared. I should probably start a Go Fund Me for therapy costs if you read this. I'll get started on that now.