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We live out in the boonies.
Ok, so it's a field of cows and weeds 20 miles from the nearest town. I think it's safe to say that's boonies. Living this rural, you can imagine how the cell service is - moodier than me with PMS. We still have a landline to converse with people or in case of emergency like, "Honey, can you pick up some wine? School went great today. *hysterical laugh-crying*"
Psh. Who am I kidding? I will pick up my own wine, thankyouverymuch. And don't give me that look. Maybe I'm stocking up for winter. Or next week. Or tomorrow.
Back to landlines...
Occasionally the Huz will have someone from work call him at home about something non-work related and they'll call the house phone. No problem. I just take the call, write a message for him to return the call, bingo-bango. Done. Which is why I answered the phone that day.
Let me tell you a tale of a recent phone call...
It was a normal day. Teenage boys insulting each other and the ten-ager. Dogs snoring while they're awake. Laundry and dishes for the invisible 47 other people who live here. Stereotypical homeschooler day.
The phone rings, it's an unknown caller.
BOOM! RIGHT THERE!
WHY did I answer the phone?!
Because I'm nice. NICE. This is where nice gets you in trouble.
This is how this conversation went down:
Me: Hello?
Caller: Hello! Is *Husband's name* there?
Me: No, he's not in right now, can I take a message?
Caller: This is Robert Johnson. I'm supposed to get him a phone number. I talked to him earlier.
Me: Ok. Sure. What's the number and I'll leave it for him.
Caller: Let me find it. *rustling papers, wheezing, heavy breathing*
Let me interrupt this riveting play-by-play to give a little description of Ol' Bobby Johnson here.
This man sounds like a very unhealthy older man. I'm actually picturing him on oxygen while hearing his voice because his wheezing is THAT BAD. Like he ran 5 miles while smoking cigars bad. Pneumonia wheezing.
Caller: *still rustling papers, wheezing, heavy breathing*
3 minutes pass.... 5 minutes pass...
I'm just cleaning the kitchen while waiting on this number.
Caller: Well, I'm still trying to find my Rolodex. I'm sorry it's taking so long.
Me: No problem!
Wheezing continues... breathing... wheeeeeeze....
Me: Does he have to walk up a mountain to find his Rolodex. Seriously, who uses a Rolodex these days?!
Caller: *wheeze, breathe, wheeze, breathe*
Me: Good grief! Is he going to have a heart attack finding this number? Do I need to ask him if I need to call 911?
Caller: I'm sorry it's taking so long.
Me: *rolls eyes* Oh, that's fine!
Caller: *breathing resumes*
Y'ALL. I am ashamed to say that I stayed on the line for this number for 10+ minutes!
OVER 10 MINUTES.
BECAUSE I'M NICE!
What finally made me hang up...
Caller: *breathe,wheeze, breathe, wheeeeeeeeze* I'm almost done.
Me: *snaps to attention*
Did he say 'almost done'? Ohhhhhhhhh myyyyyyyy gggggggggg...
*Hangs up phone*
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WHAT just happened?!?!?! Did I seriously just stay on the line with this nasty old guy beating his meat?!?!
Before I could even replay this whole situation over in my head again, GUESS WHO CALLS BACK!!!
Yeah, I didn't answer that. I let the answering machine get it. No message. Imagine that.
And AGAIN!
Seriously! Captain Pervo called me back 2x after I hung up on his sicko butt.
I need to bleach my brain now! My ear! OMG!
Then I start wondering if I need to step up my game here. I mean, I almost felt bad for Mr. Perv. I'm all on the phone with him for over 10 minutes and he hadn't quite made it there yet. I must need to work on my "special" phone skills. The odd thing, I wasn't talking at all. I said maybe 12 words the whole time! He was totally on his own.
Another weird thing, one of my SIL's aunts had the almost identical thing happen to her.
Phone call, caller asks for her husband, she says he's not there, and then the *ahem* FUN commences. She was smarter than I was though. She hung up.
Damn you, niceness! You got me ear molested! Do you know how close you got me to being ear pregnant?! TOO CLOSE!!
So what's the moral of this story?
* Don't answer Unknown Caller calls.
* "Nice" is for the birds.
* Work on your phone "skills" to enhance your marriage.
* If you're a pervert calling women, make sure to ask for their husband first to throw them off.
Has anyone else had a dirty phone call lately? Please help me feel better about my dumbass nice self!
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